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Lot of instances have we faced in life. Some bad while others good. There are some which we hold close to our hearts, like the words of a loved one, or maybe even an unfortunate incident which we never wished to happen at all. All these cluster and lie in our minds maybe to be rejoiced later or to fade away in the sands of time. Sometimes we have a lot, which we wish to wipe out from our minds because they slap back memories which haunt us of the bad times. Each of us has such memories, kept in the corner of our hearts hoping that we won’t recollect them. But it so happens that when bad times keep filling our rotating clocks; everything kept untouched, pours out like the waters off a waterfall. So here we are, wherein we are not in complete control of our emotions.

Of course sorrow becomes a part and parcel of our life. But maybe we are not bothered to think of, what’s going wrong. Many a times even I have felt, a bit out of place. Mind keeps going all restless. Nothing seems to brighten those days. The skies, surroundings and everything, keeps grinning a wicked smile at me. So like most of us, I reserve it to myself, believing it to slowly die away. But it builds up… Where do I refuge to ?? I just have no idea…
With a fake smile put across the face, to show the “Be Always Happy” attitude, I kept moving. Nothing and nobody gave me the perfect reason to smile. Several times I wanted to burst out to someone, but again reconsidered, thinking it to be childish. Moreover it’s been put down to a rule that, MEN ARE HARD HEARTED.

To be a part of this male dominated world feels nice, but somebody has to understand that even we have our own emotions… When filled with trouble & sorrow, I have seen lots of guys, who even refuse to admit what they feel. They stick on their troubles, slave to the imbibed ego in them. They refuse to bring out their sorrow, for the fear of being mocked by everyone. Now, where does this fit into… Nowhere…….

And then when nobody is watching, a tear rolls down his cheeks.

So coming back to what I was saying, I traversed along a path unfamiliar. But soon realized that I was on the wrong one & had to divert soon. Maybe no one around me noticed the color fade in me. Much pleased to that, I kept my daily routines, & achieved to not stay gloomy, as I believed – “If I stay depressed, where’s the difference in me from others.” Of course I had friends, to pour out my insides; but when I thought over again, I decided against it. I had a stupid notion that – Nobody could understand anybody completely.

And so I floated on the dark waters, staring at the gloomy horizon. To be frank, I did yearn for a consoling hand to calm up things; I sincerely needed someone, but was not ready to open out to anyone. Slowly I got used to the vanishing colors within me. It seemed surprising, but happiness seemed to disappear into thin air. I craved for the lost joy…

What kept me off-track, I did know. I knew what was wrong, and I wanted to change. Perhaps like a single piece in a puzzle which fails to fit into its chosen space, I felt out of place. I felt all deserted, and chose to cherish the good old times. Everything had happened contrary to what I thought, what I needed & what I believed. Out of the blue, unexpected changes took place which made me redefine certain thoughts. I always believed in the truth of those thoughts; but now felt lost, when I had to redefine them. I had to accustom to what has happened. I could not change back anything & I wanted to leap back to my older self. I stared at the night skies eager to grasp the glimmer of the full moon. My insides burned with the flames of grief, as I struggled to put it off, with the winds of joy. Nights grew darker and I kept everything confined to my boundaries, as silent tears would wet my eyelash. But these tears relieved me and gave the comfort of a dear pal.
Gradually I got used to this discomfort. Wanting to get rid of the sinister clutches, slowly I awoke from this state. I brought back the lost joy & color. Everything had to change. Everything changed, but at a snails pace. I did not want to recreate a scenario of the obvious. I badly wanted to alter.
Let the horizons be dim, let the winds blow wild, but I kept my persona bright & did not want to think of what was building in me… Keeping the emotions restrained to myself, I concealed it with glee & delight. After all – “Nothing’s constant in life except Change”.

So now I was happy to be different, and across the night skies stood a bright star which seemed to be shining just for me. At times I felt it lose its vigor, but i still stared at it, with all my heart. Through the darkness of the nights, I gazed at it; though dim, to embrace its warmth n love… …
Now with all my insides confined to my meadows,
at this point I live on… … … with my “Emotions at disguise”…

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